and I’m still alive.
To the best of my knowledge no one besides me bothers to read this. I tried keeping a written journal (it’s like this blog but in a book, you know…the things made out of paper that you WRITE in?) and still write in it now and again. there’s something soothing about actually putting pen to paper that has a healing effect typing in a blog doesn’t seem to have for me.
Anyone read this? Anyone at all??
I’m beginning to wonder about my faith in general. The word for the day is “Nihilism”. The belief that life is without objective meaning, purpose, or intrinsic value. Funny, years back I had an unshakable faith. Now, I just want to give up on everything. I don’t want lies, white lies, black lies, yellow lies – they’re all lies. If you met me, don’t lie to me to make me feel good. Later I may find out about it and then doubt everything you’ve said to me since. Did you REALLY mean it when you told me “xxx yy Zzzzz.”? I’ll never know, will I? What does it matter, no one reads this anyway.
This, I think, shall become my personal journal. I really don’t care if it’s read by anyone nor do I care if anyone comments. Nothing matters anyway. We’re born and start dieing seconds afterward. It just takes longer for some then for others.
Life in general is meaningless. it doesn’t matter what any of us do. It doesn’t matter on a cosmic scale. Try as you might, you can’t get what you want.
It’s been six months for one and countless years for another. I’ve all but given up on ever seeing my son again. Just the smallest glimmer of hope. “Nanoglimmer”??
I don’t think I’ve mentioned it but I’m “poly” IE:Polyamorous (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory) and practice polyfidelity (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyfidelity). I’m not going into details, if you want to learn then see the wiki or in my opinion better, (http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html) if not, be blessed in your ignorance. I’m also of a Dominant personality and live a BDSM (http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html I love that site!) lifestyle.
Now with that out of the way – I/we maintain a profile(s) on one of the many kinky romance finder websites. I’ve been there for some time, looking far the right “third” to add to our triad. With all the fakes, posers and wanna-bes and those who just intentionally lead you on I’m beginning to think I’m tilting at windmills.
Just a random thought for the day
My thoughts wander so
My son who is distant
I look, another leaf falls
I was raised on a farm in a small town in central MA until I was about 11 years old. I remember one day as my father and the rest of the hired help were bringing in the hay I thought to help the only way I could. As my mother was driving the truck, I decided to make “Kool-aid” for them. I dutifully placed two packages of the mix and enough water to make a gallon, shook the &&*^% out of it and hiked it up the hill where it was gladly taken..after a good LONG healthy pull, “Grandpa” (the farm owner) put it down and asked “Jesus Christ, Johnny! What’d you put in this, Kerosene?” I don’t remember being hurt, though I know I must have been.. I’ve never forgotten sugar in the mix since.
I’ve worked on all pages and added a new one, Paganism. Hopefully that will help explain a bit about my beliefs and why I left Christianity.
Blessed Yule all, may you get what you deserve.
Yes Dad, I’m OK, mom and the rest are fine and you’d love the grandkids. Miss you, enjoy your cheeseburgers, fries and popcorn.
Spring Rain Softly Falls
Sitting On The Quiet Porch
The Rain Hides My Tears
